Mindfull

At a crowded Sandton bus stop, a beautiful English young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt, was waiting for a bus.

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered; ‘Well, ma’am ja, normally I would agree wiff you, but juslike after yous unzipped my fly free times, I kinda foughts we was friends.’

Popularity: 16% [?]

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A  young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they

were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne

and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new

 wife asked, ”What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

 ”I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

 ”You mean polio?” she asked.

 ”No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”

 When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

 ”What’s wrong with your knees? They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

 ”As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.

 ”You mean measles?” she asked.

 ”No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

 The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

 As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

 ”Don’t tell me,” she said.

 ”Let me guess…

 Smallcox?”

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A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap,and she slapped him again, kicked him in the nuts, pulled on his testicles and spat in his face for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later”…

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6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’
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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she  couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The assistant replied, ‘I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said.
The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab
And said to the driver,
‘Got stuck, eh?’
The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’
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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand’.

 

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Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

‘These damn girls’ night out have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties.’

‘You think that’s bad’ said the other husband, ‘Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’

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Sipho had a girlfriend, Lorraine, she was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One
day Sipho went to work and found a gorgeous new girl had come to work at
his office, named Clearly. He was quite smitten with her and she was very
interested in him too. But Sipho was a loyal man and wouldn’t do anything
with Clearly, while he was still with Lorraine.

He decided to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly, but he
couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Then one day he and Lorraine went for a walk along the riverbank, she
slipped and fell into the river. The current carried Lorraine off and she
drowned. Sipho stopped for a moment by the river; then ran off smiling
& singing & smiling & singing.

What was he singing, you ask???

I can see Clearly now …. Lorraine is gone….

Popularity: 28% [?]

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