Exact but mistaken door October 1st, 2007 by Belinda

She was searching for days on end for a place to dwell; her own billet where she could feel like a princess and not a dusty Cinderella waiting for better days. From a broken windowsill and walls incomplete and funny housemates she finally came to work one day exclaiming proudly that she had found her little lay underneath this scorching sun!

Cinderella dusted off her soggy thoughts and mislaid hope and moved into her new sanctuary! She called it home for just one day. The four walls a petite silver brimming castle where soft linen flowed on the rhythm of praise, rays of the sun trickled over and across the room warming the inside up like the heart and kindness of our Father.

The new-fangled tang was that of a field full of spring expectation and a little summer’s wiff… It was overflowing with spirit and it was going to be home for a while. A little heaven not only in her heart but in her life, this thing called life we endure each day, sometimes good sometimes bad. And then one night as she fell asleep the darkness leapt into her room and destroyed and crashed every little sense of peace and security. Old celebration old familiar ties and someone else’s shadowy dim past came knocking on the exact but mistaken door.

There was no money to be collected here for celebrations once extravagantly devoured and abused. The stained soul that once soiled these four walls was now gone … The uninvited unwanted stranger hauled the curtain away and was shouting ear-piercing threats to his relocated lost love, the gold he came looking for was gone. Although an undeserving stranger, if he just knew who he had fortuitously met that night.

Inadvertently ran away from, cussed and cursed. it was our Cinderella which he has now left in fearful tears, a discomforted heart, untrusting now in her own petite silver brimming castle should have … has he ran off for good into the darkness and will he also be just a memory like these four walls remember the legs that were before ?

I pray that he is, I pray that Cinderella would dust her soggy thoughts once again, regain her yet again mislaid hope and walk in faith, there is shadows of darkness out there that come and remind us why we are so protected, so divinely looked after. Who we believe in and who once upon a time sacrificed his Son so that we could be protected and victorious over these forces of darkness. We are sons of Adam and any stalking stranger’s hands and schemes are tied behind their backs.

They can come kicking and screaming in the darkest of night and earliest of hour, but the only power they hold, is that within their legs, those legs that can run faster only to get away from Gods shielding sword. Call back those rays of trickling sun Cinderella, where there was rhythm of praise and promises of good fortune. Take back what your heart was promised and let no dust settle again

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Desire is desire wherever you go

October 1st, 2007 by Belinda

So each Sunday after lunch, blue thoughts blow my mind and I have to wrestle very rigidly to prepare my mind and body for the next day. And when Monday morning leaps at me with sturdy rays I robotically get up and fire up my act.
Then when I get to work it takes eight and nine to get me engaged in my familiar spot of performance and I feel a little silly for actually feeling Monday blued. I am the main actress in my own life’s play. With deep forest tweaking through my ears I feel a familiar craving inside of me to break out and run free. There is a complete undiscovered world out there that I am sometimes desperate to go and explore. Strangely enough the CA number plate smacks my infatuation right out of me and I am reminded that there is no real little Italy and that this is where I needed to be. This is where I need to make it work. This is my REALITY.  I started counting my blessings and I remembered why I moved from Jozi to Capetown. He was handsome, blonde and had my heart in his. I had started a life here that would determine my future. I had my dreamed of relationship and although there was something that we both still needed we knew we would tackle this world together. And it would be fine.
I sat on the sofa this morning, in my quiet time and I reached out to God. That familiar spot that we always run to when we feel desolated and in need. I read a chapter in Kings and as the river Jordan was split by the touch of a prophet’s garb I was surprised at how little I actually know of this remarkable past. This interesting, and most vital part, of my future and my everlasting peace. I am very far away from my relationship I use to share with God and I cannot help but to consider that this is the fundamental reason for my yearning to explore other places. It was actually a running away, a running away that usually took you further away of that, that was truly essential to your happiness. Forgetting that what I was actually yearning after and running towards was right here within me, inside of me, ready to receive. I just had to ask.
I have done it before you know, packed up and left. And although it made me grow as a person and made me “street wise” and opened my eyes a bit, I always came back to nonentity. Came back to reality and realised that it was an idyllic infatuation that made me run in circles. I was in fact only messing up my short term plan to buy my freedom later. And it wasn’t truly what I needed. I needed to build on my foundation right here, in my spirit and God would show me and give me the sense and passion that I had fired up in my heart and my soul. He would make my fire burn and burn in the right places. In the perfect destination designed and thought of long before I even existed.
And so i think most of us wake up each day, and we yearn to break free, and most of us are bold enough to actually go out and do it. But for what in return? Experience? There is only one way that matters, one destination and that is within our hearts and within our soul. God in hand.
There is a reality, and it is this, a relationship with our Maker gives us that sense of contentment and gratification that we so desperately yearn after. He is our peace and our sense of belonging … I can remember sweet summer days … with the sweet remembrance of His rays stroking my skin - my yearning flesh …
He was the fulfilment I so desperately seek after. I long to go back there ….
Desire is desire wherever we go, we chase after desire and once that desire is fulfilled we start chasing after the next best thing, WHAT IF we could stop chasing and find what we are keen to travel miles and miles for and spend endless days of time wasting and searching … right here within our hearts where it all started and will end when your heart stops hammering. When your mind stops thinking, your soul stops searching ….

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She gathers rain

November 23rd, 2007 by Belinda

Long before New Year I knew she was the one, the mystery train. This thunderous rain. This history train feels oh so right; I know this feeling I have for her. She arrived on a mystery train and took me to a place I never knew before. I live there now, not afraid anymore. The day she arrived on a mystery train is in my mind forevermore.

When I am with her I shake inside, my heart’s all tangled and my tongue all tied. I can’t walk I cant talk and I can’t eat. I am in love … in love knee deep. I can’t sleep, cause baby with your kisses you leave me defenceless. I can’t sleep and when I look in your eyes I can’t speak. She takes over my heart.

I watch him in the morning when he gets clad, his every move. I loose my way and get lost in this emotion where the waves keep moving. I wonder if the stars sighted what is right for my life. My mind is clouded over … and should I be believing in all of this my dreaming. The turn I have just taken is all I have believed in.

She is my angel, wherever she may go or leave to I will follow. Forever you may go, and always will I be there. Shake the leaves from your hair and wipe the rain from your skin. I will be there always. I will catch you over those troubled stones and I will shelter you from the strongest of winds. Oh angel, I will hold your hand wherever you may go. I will follow …

This is my memorial beach, where you came with the thundering rain on your mystery train. As my insides were shaking and my eyes knew of no sleep, you will always be my angel and I will follow you wherever you intend to go.

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A secret Garden November 23rd, 2007 by Belinda

She will let you in her house, if you come knocking late at night. She will let you in her mouth if the words you say are right. If you pay the price she will let you deep inside. There is a secret garden she has …

She will let you in her car, do your driving, she would let you become part of the sin that would let you drown. To get to her secret garden, think twice. You have gone a million miles, tell me how far did you get. That place you can’t remember and that place you can’t forget. She has tenderness and will let you come far enough just until you know she is really there. And she will look at you, through these eyes of sin.

She has this secret Garden with everything you want and everything you need. A million miles away, She will consider letting you in. But it wont be easy, the people she let in there before trashed everything sweet inside. The things she saw them do, the things she heard them say. She thought it would be joy but her soul is split into two.

 Does this Christmas give us silence, does this new year hold the truth, do I walk towards you or run away from you. There was a place we use to know, but now I feel like I have walked into a cave. You know my deepest sin, you fill me like the wind. Let the miracle now begin. Fill me now with wind and wash me away into the very depths of your arms. Cause at times I felt so sure, and I opened up the doors.

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Captivated with ourselves

To be the beauty, abducted by the bad guys, fought for and rescued
by a hero—some version of this had a place in all our dreams

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“You belong among the wildflowers – you belong in a boat out at sea. You belong with your love on your arm. You belong somewhere you feel free.”_Tom Petty

I struggled alone through the mess of several broken hearts. As a young woman once wrote us:How could a woman of God be confident, scandalous and beautiful, yet not portray herself as a feminist NAZI or an insecure I-need-attention emotional whore. How can I become a strong woman without becoming harsh? How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in my sorrow?

Through high school I stumbled feeling unseen, unsought and uncertain. I never knew where I was heading or what I yearned to become. My raging hormones made for years of mixed emotions, bad skin and a terrible fight inside of who I was to become. And talking to some of my friends it became clear I was not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman.

And ever since every woman I have met feels it – something deeper than just the sense of failing at whom she is. I am not enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, to needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is shame, the universal companion of a woman. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. …. And in all exhortations we have missed the most important thing of all, we have missed the heart of a woman. And that is not a wise thing to do, for as the Scriptures tell us, the heart is central. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of live.” When God created you in his image- when he created you as his woman – that journey begins with your heart. Another way of saying this is that the journey begins with desire.

Look at the game little girls play, and if I do, remember what I dreamt of as a little girl. Look at the movies all woman love. I think you will find that every woman in her heart longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That’s what makes a woman come alive.One of my favourite games growing up was “kidnapped and rescued.” I know many little girls who played this- or wished they had. To be the beauty, abducted by the bad guys, fought for and rescued by a hero. Why did I play this, deep inside I have always loved feeling wanted and fought for. Little girls longs for romance, to be seen and desire, to be sought after and fought for. We want to be part of something grand, something important. That there is something inside of us that is needed and needed desperately, irreplaceable. My heart was meant to be lived with you.

I have always longed to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure, and that adventure has been made in the image of God’s perfect relationship.

I want to be beautiful

And make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart

And be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

I just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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We should give our partners/friends/ family the most excellent love

This was written for my love, G

I can speak the most beautiful words but without love they are mere hollow sounds, sounds of a resounding gong. If I give you all I have and all I possess and I am without the most excellent love, I gain nothing.

I have thought long and hard what love is, as life was wrapping around me and suffocating me, suffocating who I am and how I was loving you. And through ancient scripture, it came alive and smacked me in the very depth of my stomach. The very depth of who I wanted to be :

LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND
IT DOES NOT ENVY AND IT DOES NOT BOAST

IT IS NOT PROUD AND IT IS NOT RUDE

IT IS NOT SELF SEEKING AND KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS

LOVE DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL BUT REJOICES IN THE TRUTH

IT ALWAYS PROTECTS AND ALWAYS TRUSTS
ALWAYS HOPES AND ALWAYS PERSEVERES

LOVE NEVER FAILS
And the reality is that if this is what love is, I have not loved you,

So today I put my childish ways behind me, wrestling with my sinful heart. I see these three remain :

FAITH HOPE AND LOVE,

So from today I promise you this,

A patient love, wrapped in kindness, a love that knows not to be rude and a love that is not self seeking, but seeking to serve. A love not easily angered and a heart that keeps no record of wrong.

I promise to always protect you, always trusting always persevering to be better.

AND TO LOVE YOU ALWAYS, THE MOST EXCELLENT WAY

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